It was Monday night on July 8th. Handsome Boy (sorry I just had too! B used to call her Daddy Handsome Boy!) anyway...Handsome Boy and I were sitting in bed laughing and talking about our crazy new experiences. It was late, like 11:30 P.M. late. As we were talking, my phone bleeped. Seriously...who is texting me this late?!?! As I picked up my phone, I read the four words that changed everything..."Mamma isn't doing well..." Hubby kept talking, but I have no idea what he said. Everything became a big blur. I knew Mamma (my mom's mom) hadn't been "doing well" for sometime. I mean she was getting older. She had been put on oxygen. She needed to be pushed in a wheel chair when we took her to the mall to buy her a new hat. She didn’t cook anymore. But last time I saw her, she was “just fine.” As I read the text, I knew it was serious. I couldn't speak. Tears just flowed. I passed the phone to Hubby, who wrapped his loving arms around me. We soon found out that basically (I don't pretend to understand medical things) Mamma's body had been too weak for the past few months to exhale the carbon monoxide and it had been slowly poisoning her body. By the time the doctors realized the problem, there was no going back. There was no way to correct the damage. Mamma wasn't going to last much longer. Just 3 weeks earlier I said goodbye to Mamma as we headed for the airport to fly to the other side of the world. As I looked at Mamma sitting in "her chair," I prayed, "Lord, please, please let her live 3 more years!" NOOOO!!! God I did not say 3 weeks!!! I still want to talk to Mamma! I want to send her pictures of my growing children! I want her to be in "her chair" when I get back to the States! I want my girls to know her! But now it’s too late.... none of that will ever happen... on July 10th 2013, Mamma went to be with Jesus...
I felt alone. I have a wonderful husband, but I wanted my mom, my sister, my cousins, my brothers....No one here in SEA knew Mamma like we all did. I couldn't sit here and laugh and cry as we all told wonderful stories about the amazing woman Mamma was. Stories about staying up late to play Rummy and Sequence. Stories about Mamma sitting outside her tentel at Camp Spofford. Who always had an extra (insert random item you forgot to pack)?--Mamma did! Stories of amazing gravy and KrumKake! Stories of how Mamma was always so kind and so polite and so willing to give even if she had to do without! But no one was here...no one was here to cry with me.
During this time in SEA, we had a language tutor to help us before we officially started language school (visa problems!) and a city tour guide to show us all the exciting sites in the Big City. I wanted to stay in my bed and cry all day (I actually wanted to go home, but didn't have $5000 just chillin' in my wallet) but instead I had to slap on a smile and tour the volcano. Don't get me wrong, it helped the time pass, but every day it just seemed like the world was running in super speed and I was standing still, lost and confused. I didn't know what to do, what to say, what to tell people. I just stood there.
Mamma's funeral was on Friday, July 12th at 7 pm. In SEA, that's Saturday, July 13th at 6 am. The service was going to be broadcasted live so I set my alarm for 5:30 am. It didn't matter how early the alarm went off- I couldn't sleep anyway. It was dark outside. I didn't want to wake the girls, so I quietly went into the office and shut the door. I could have woken Hubby, but I just wanted to be alone. I sat in this very chair and watched my grandmother’s funeral. I saw Pappa….Pappa I’m so sorry! I wish I could be there and wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I miss Mamma. I saw my mom….my mom who had just lost her mom. I can’t imagine life without my mom! I can’t imagine what she is feeling right now! I saw everyone crying and hugging and laughing. I heard beautiful stories about how Mamma prayed for all her children and her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren (those of you who know my family know that’s a LOT of people!). I heard how God allowed Mamma to hang in there until her sister arrived from Canada. It was beautiful!
What is even more beautiful is the place where Mamma is now! She trusted Jesus as her Savior and today she is walking …no running….on streets of gold. Although I know I will see her again someday, I miss her now! When I left for SEA, I still had 4 living grandparents. The last family member who passed away was Mamma’s mother—when I was 9. That was a long time ago, and I didn’t really even know what was going on. Grieving is hard- I’m pretty sure I don’t want to deal with it again, especially from the other side of the world!
G0d called my family to SEA, and in SEA we will stay. Even when things are rough and I just want to hide under a rock, I know the Rock will protect me! Sometimes we just can’t make it on our own and we need a reminder of the Solid Ground we have built our lives on.
Now that I’m done crying (for now), I going to go eat dinner with my kiddos! Sempai Jumpa… (Until next time…)
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